How To Create Healthy Boundaries + What Happens If You Don’t!

Self-care and self-love are two terms that are thrown around a lot. We know the importance of them, but how exactly do we care for and love ourselves?

Today I’m going to touch on a crucial, non-negotiable element of these hype words: how to create healthy boundaries. It’s another word that gets a lot of airplay, so let’s quickly break down what boundaries are, and why they’re so important.

The Long + Short Of Personal Boundaries.

Personal boundaries are the lines you draw in the sand. They mark the edge or limit to something; the rules and guidelines YOU set, for how others can behave towards YOU. There can be no guide book to exactly how these should look, because the beautiful thing about boundaries is they belong to you. They’re yours to enact, yours to educate people on, and yours to enforce.

If someone breaks your boundaries, it is YOU who is bestowed with the task of responding. This could be a conversation or a less-confrontation approach like deciding to distance yourself from someone, or to refrain from certain conversations in the future. Whilst these non-confrontational approaches may sound easy to execute, they’re harder to handle when it’s happening in a shared workplace or in your family home.

I used to be down-right lousy at creating boundaries, but without wanting to toot my own horn, it’s something I’ve grown pretty damn good at. In this blog I want to share some of the learnings that allowed me to crawl out of the unhealthy (and exhausting) habit of saying ‘yes’ too often.

I Realised I’d Grown A Backbone.

Before I jump into this, I’d like to point out how important it is to own your strengths. To say I’m good at creating boundaries is something I’d never have said in the past because of the ego-shaming culture that underpins our society, a culture that says modesty and a bashful rebuttal of compliments is something to aspire to.

To this I say: ‘Go suck a lemon!’.

If you are awesome at something, own that shit! Celebrate your strengths and share your wisdom with others. Let the world benefit from your brilliance, and then lean on other people who perfect the skills in places that you struggle. This is another integral ingredient in the self-love recipe, but more on that another day.

So, how did I realise I’d left behind my unhealthy people-pleasing tendencies and finally grown a backbone? I spent time with a friend this week who mirrored back at me who I used to be, and the growth it allowed me to see in myself gave me goosebumps.

I was telling my friend about my upcoming Christmas break and how excited I was to rest and recharge. I asked if she was having a break too, and she said “No, I’ve never really discussed holidays with my boss, I just try to squeeze my work in around my holiday commitments”.

Um, what?!

I couldn’t even be righteous on this one, because it used to be me too. I’d bend and twist myself to deliver for others, and allow myself the burnt out remains.

In the freelance world (which my friend and I both dabble in) formal work contracts and designated hours can quickly give-way to a flexible lifestyle and way more freedoms. Whilst this sounds awesome, it delivers up a whole new challenge of needing to advocate for yourself.

If you become a ‘yes man’, no hard-working client or boss is going to tell you to stop. That’s on you.

It’s Time To Speak Up!

Speak up, even if your voice shakes. If we are throwing out ‘yeses’ left right and centre, how is anybody going to know you’re at breaking point?

It’s uncomfortable to speak up, but like any muscle you work out, it gets stronger and more conditioned for the challenge. Start getting some practice under your belt and it will get easier.

I understand it’s scary. I remember the first time I had to establish boundaries with my old boss. At that point in life I had somewhat mastered the art of setting boundaries within my close circle - an emotionally abusive marriage teaches you that stuff quick smart! - but I was still incredibly uncomfortable standing up for myself in a professional setting. It felt like my boss had power of me, which in a way she did. I needed her money so I could pay rent and feed my children, and she held that trump card.

Loosening my boundaries a little seemed a small price to pay to keep a roof over my head, right? Nope. Turns out the cost of doing this was huge.

I spent two years struggling to find my voice in that workplace, and it bled into all areas of my life. I learnt that these allowances lead to a slippery slope. There was suddenly no consistency to my character. I became a chameleon who changed her colours depending on who she was with.

I was fluid, fluffy and flakey. I lost my edge, and whilst I was well liked, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. I was valuing the comfort of those in my company (some of which I didn’t even respect) more than I valued my own self-worth.

It Was My Fault, So I Took My Power Back.

The amount of times I found myself on the phone to my husband, family members or friends in my lunch break or after work bawling my eyes out, well it was ridiculous! I felt caged, wronged, manipulated and misunderstood, but it was all my fault.

My loved ones lent a sympathetic ear, but they couldn’t assert my boundaries for me. I needed to grow a backbone and do that for myself.

The first step for me was small but significant. It was a text message that outlined clearly how my boss’ actions made me feel, and what my expectations were moving forward. Emails and messages are a great first step because they allow you to stop, take a breath, compose your thoughts, and craft your message from a place of love.

A few of these messages were sent over my time there, until I found the courage to step it up and trust in my voice to speak up at the time I was triggered. To take ownership over my worth in each moment.

Eventually I realised it was never going to be a space that allowed me to flourish, so I made plans to leave, but what if you’re in a space where you can’t leave or you’re trying to set boundaries with beautiful people? What if you’re the kind of person who is inclined to suck up your self-worth and settle for less, just so you can keep on pleasing the people you love and respect?

Learn To Put Yourself First.

It’s not just narcissistic neanderthal who can test our resolve, it can be kind and caring souls too, and often it is only you that is to blame. After all, it’s YOUR job to draw that line in the sand, and to let the world know.

A recent coaching experience drilled home the tendency most people have to put the needs of others before themselves. I was part of a group coaching course a few months back, when my mentor set us all a challenge that would propel us forward, both personally and with our online businesses. We had a week to complete this task.

A week later we were asked how we’d gone with the challenge. 75 percent of the group hadn’t even completed it. What ensued was a good grilling from our mentor (hey, we’d all enlisted her to light a fire beneath us, so we had this ass-kicking coming), and then something that took me by surprise.

She upped the challenge, told us all we had a week to complete it, and (here’s the kicker) said if even one of us didn’t complete the challenge, she would not continue to coach any of us!

My coach was a clever cookie. She knew that while we’d let ourselves down, we wouldn’t let down our friends in that coaching group. What we wouldn’t do for ourselves, we’d do a hundred times over for someone else.

And that is exactly what happened. The following week not only had we all completed the challenge, but most had gone above and beyond.

So, if we know we’re more inclined to follow through for others, how can we use this to help us set better our own boundaries?

Make It About Them, Not You.

When I let my edges go smooshy and my integrity be trampled on, I became an unhappy person. My husband and children wanted nothing more than for me to leave that workplace because I wasn’t bringing joy into our home anymore.

This was a crap feeling.

I wanted nothing more than to make my home a happy haven for those I love… and I learnt that do this, I had to be my most happy self. Alas, I had to learn how to stand my ground and create healthy boundaries.

It turns out it is not people and environments that suck our joy, but the way we respond to them. When we lose ourselves in hard corners and uncomfortable conflict, we lose our best lives. Unhappiness spills into our souls and taints the days and the lives of our nearest and dearest.

In my last final piece of advice to you on how and why to create healthy boundaries, I ask you let this sink in. You struggle to put yourself first, you struggle to think you are worthy of the boundaries you yearn to create, yet you’d walk over hot coals for your family.

Consider the act of setting healthy boundaries, the same as the uncomfortable act of walking over hot coals for the ones you love.

These boundaries make you happy, they help you know who you are, and this in-turn fills the cup of every person you love. So get up darling, kick off those shoes, and start bracing the balls of your feet for the hot coals that will catapult you into a life rich with reason, respect and relationships worth having.