Getting up-close and honest with the person in the mirror can be confronting, but it’s where all the big lessons lie. Admitting our short-comings is a pretty pointy pill to swallow, especially when that means admitting you’re becoming a tad too controlling.

I’ve been here, and still find myself there at times. When anxieties and fears run rampant, it’s easy to allow them to take the reins and fuel a fiasco of controlling tendencies… especially at this time of the year.

Before I burrow into the ways you can woo up these controlling behaviours, let’s first explore whether you are controlling and why people even act this way.

Are You Controlling? Let’s See…

If you answer yes to any of the following, chances are you and I are not that dissimilar. I have a history of wanting to keep my environment, my relationships and my own head in check, and it’s bloody exhausting! The good news is that these tendencies can be managed and even removed from your life, but it all starts with awareness.

You set extremely high standards for yourself and others
You are a perfectionist
You over-plan even the smallest details and put a lot of energy into ensuring all your plans go smoothly
You worry about the behaviour of others and try to ‘manage’ them
Your happiness is dependent on the happiness of those around you
You have trouble trusting others
You can become bossy
You obsess over tiny details
Your sense of self-worth comes from outside you (e.g. other people’s words and recognition)
You put a lot of energy into making sure other people don’t feel anything negative

Why Do People Become Controlling?

I say ‘become’ controlling, because none of us start out this way. This is an important distinction to make, as it means YOU are not controlling, you are simply acting that way at the moment… and probably for good reason.

One controlling tendency that I continuously need to challenge, is rooted in a messy past marred with alcohol abuse. My beautiful husband very occassionally ducks out for a drink with a mate, and this has at times brought up anxiety in both me and my boys. Now these feelings are completely unfounded when you look at Lee’s history: he does this maybe once a month, has never once not come home when he said he would, has never been unreachable whilst out with friends, and is nearly always home by 9 or 10pm at night.

Never-the-less, the anxiety bubbles up in us as we worry that he may not come home, he may do something that would hurt us, or he may not be there when we wake in the morning.

Fears like this are often rooted in a shaky, unpredictable and scary past, and it’s pretty normal for these to then manifest into controlling behaviours in an attempt to avoid getting hurt again in the future.

Whatever the root or the reason to your behaviour, it’s likely you are trying to control situations and people so you feel safe, but you are trying to control things that are innately out of your control…. which makes you and your loved ones feel way worse in the long run.

This need to control can become greater at times like Christmas and birthdays, as there are more movings parts to these scenarios, and more triggers to try and control.

Christmas is a huge trigger for many people because it also unearths old, forgotten or suppressed emotions. These unwelcome guests tangle with our current day issues (hey, we all have them) to make a delightfully festive concoction.

But how do we unpick this puzzle? Here’s five tips you can put in place today, to help you stop being so controlling.

Here’s How To Stop Being Controlling

Like so many of us, you may have realised you can be a tad controlling at times and that it’s killing your vibe. You want to stop, but have no idea where to start. Here’s five things I do to help overcome the anxieties and fears that fester and bubble into the unwelcome controlling behaviour I have mentioned above.

1. Foster Flexibility

When we are trying to control the world around us we are inflexible and firm, so it stands to reason that fostering flexibility in yourself will help subdue these shortcomings. Learn to let others take the lead sometimes, by scheduling in days where hubby or the kids choose the itinerary for the day - or even for the hour. This allows you time to prepare yourself for the feelings that will arise, and I bet the kids will love to set the tone for the day too!

Another tip for fostering flexibility, is to get clear about the structures in your day that you need and can control. Be consistent with your sleep times, what you have for breakfast, how you start your day or during what hours you are going to have time just for yourself. These things are also important building blocks for a happy life, and will help you feel calmer and better equipped to deal with the other less predictable facets of your day.

2. Change Your Thoughts

This sounds complicated, but it’s not. Our subconscious feeds our behaviours, and it’s pretty easy to trick. Mantras and affirmations said on repeat throughout the day have the power to shift those inner voices that are to blame for this behaviour, and redirect our attention to more constructive, helpful thoughts.

Pick one of these that resonates or make up your own, and then get into the habit of saying it out loud to yourself multiple times a day. If you choose to start practicing these in the heat of the moment they won’t work. Consider them training exercises that help to map out a different route in your brain, so that when adrenaline kicks in and your mind flicks to autopilot, those new road foundations have already been laid.

I am safe, with no threat from the world
I choose to react positively to the world around me
I have complete control over my own breath
I respect other people, and their choices
I can perceive any situation positively
I am a happy, easygoing soul who loves to have fun

3. Practice Acceptance

I love this quote by Reinhold Neibuhr, as it sums up this point perfectly: ‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’.

Put simply, some things are out of our control. Learn to distinguish what these things are, and when you feel your self starting to control the people and environments around you, shift your focus instead to the things you can change - like your own breathing, your body language, and your internal dialogue.

4. Face The Fears

Facing the stuff that scares us is… well, it’s scary. Letting go of control and trusting in something outside of us is terrifying for most people, but there are a few things you can have in your tool belt to make dealing with these moments more manageable.

Firstly, consider it like a marathon. You wouldn’t attempt your first marathon without training, and if you did, chances are you’re not going to do very well. Preparing to face your fears requires conditioning, so to get yourself race-ready, try lacing these following activities through your day. In time these will become second nature, and will be easier to whip out when fear has you in a headlock and your old habit of wanting to take control of the moment starts to peak out at you from behind your pain.

Breathing exercises - download an app like Headspace, Calm, or even a guided YouTube tutorial.
Practice visualisation - guided meditations, or regularly reflecting on a happy place from your life can help solidify these images in your mind. Try to conjure up the smells and sounds of these places, as evoking the senses will help your mind to remember them in the moments that you need.
Challenge the fear - it helps to journal down the worst cases scenarios. This can be done before or after an event that has you wanting to take control, and is a good way of stepping back and taking an honest stocktake of what is at the bottom of your fears. It also allows you to look at the likelihood of that scenario even happening (and if it did, would the world stop spinning… I’m guessing no).
Start doing things that scare you - your courage is like a muscle, and it only gets bigger by giving it a workout. I started doing Facebook Lives about six months ago, purely because they terrify me. I have fumbled and stumbled my way through many of them, but guess what? Nobody died, and I learnt to become braver, bolder, and better at managing other scary things in my life.

5. Get Comfy With Being Uncomfy

Anything new is uncomfortable, and if you are like me and want to keep everyone around you happy, then accepting that other people are feeling worried, sad or angry is a pretty uncomfortable space to be.

Bring awareness to what emotions this brings up in you, and practice NOT reacting. This is the hardest one for me, because when I perceive that a loved one is feeling uncomfortable, I try to say and do all the right things to make them feel better. My energy becomes erratic, my efforts are often futile, and I am left exhausted and overwhelmed.

Learning to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that arise for me when I see a loved one struggling is something I have control over. Trying to take away their negative emotions is not.

Practice Makes Perfect

Changing habits that have formed over a lifetime doesn’t happen overnight, but with regular and conscious practice, you can lead a healthy, happy, and control-free life. It all begins with awareness, and the fact you’ve successfully read to the bottom of this blog, I believe, is a bloody good indication that you are aware this is something you need to address too.

So, happy practicing! Mwah x

Are You Controlling? Here’s How To Tell + 5 Ways To Stop.